Life is still Life

Well… it’s been awhile that I have been on.

I guess not much has changed. I am at a new job and still wonder where I stand in life.

I seem to wonder what will behold for me. Do I really want to know?
I am older now and yet seem to be wanting to stay 17.
I look in the past for answers of today. Non of it seems right.

Life is still Life.


Do you love me for who I am? or Who I was?

I have to ask this, I wonder. I am no different then what I was, other then I am not making the income I use to.

So I wonder if it was cause of the position I was in at the time and now that I am no longer,, is that the reason you have no desire for me now? Still wondering.

I cry in the shower to hide the tears

I’m not to sure why I am writing this, yet I feel like I need to.

I have been married for over 20 years now. With three kids the oldest 22 and the youngest 13 and a 19 year old in the middle.

I feel that I have lost the love I use to have with my wife.
We talk and go shopping together, but for two years now when it come to getting a hug, kiss or even a “I Love You” it does not happen.
I showed my feelings a year ago, with tears and questions about us, yet after it was all said and done, I did not even get a hug or it’s OK.
I am so confused of what to do. I don”t want to leave, she is the perfect lady for me. Yet when there is no intimacy, I feel worthless.

So now I have learned to cry in the shower to hide the tears, just let them fall down the drain. That way I don’t have to show I am in pain.

Do You?

Do you think of me at work?

Do you dream of me while you sleep?

Would you miss me if I were gone?

RC 2010

2009 Almost Done

Wa Hooo…. 2009 is almost at an end and the 2010 era will soon be upon us.
For some of us it is a time for making resolutions and trying to be a better person…. and so forth.
Yet I feel like I should have been a bit better off then this.
I can’t say as I feel that 2009 was well worth it.
Thought I had a good job and was making a well thought out plan for the future. HA,….  did that ever shoot back up in my face.
My family is still together, guess that is a plus.
2009 is a year that really sucked!….. OK!… It was not productive and I am glad it will be over soon. Sure hope that 2010 will be a better year.
I know I should not feel this way but to tell ya truth I am so sick of not getting the love anymore.
I have yet to figure out why I can’t cuddle or get a hug, or even a “I Love You” now and then.

O’well guess it’s just another day in my world.

Chow for Now

Back at my old job

Well after 5 months I had to go back to my old job.
This time of a different position, not a supervisor…. strange.
I felt a bit unease. I have worked there for 17 years and yet in just under a half a year I felt like a “newbie”, wasn’t sure what to do. Weird.
Here I am at 42 and at the end of another year, Wow… what a different way to think when I thought I was changing my life six months ago.
Thinking I was about to make a new chapter in my life, something I thought was to make my family and I happy. What a joke!
I should have known that I was making a mistake. Now I am really wondering.
I guess I should be happy that I have a job. I left on real good terms, did not “Burn the Bridge” as to say. but yet still feel cheated in a way.
Well life goes on and I will write new chapters in my life as they come.
Then why?…. Nobody sees my life and how I feel.
Now,…   if I only had a way to make my dreams become reality.

Chow for Now

Snow is here, and I feel older.

Well it has finally snowed here in Alaska. About 2-5 inches.
My son said he had to shut a window where he was at cause it got cold. 
Of course he is in Arizona. Lucky kid.
Not too much going on. My daughter turned 19 and I feel older.
My oldest son in AZ is doing fine he is working and waiting to see a football game with mom in January. Mom to is also eager to get out of the cold, agin.
My son and I met in Seattle to see the Seahawks slam the Cougars 41-0. Awesome first game. Plus it was a well overdue father – son get together. We had a fun time and am waiting for next year.
As for me I am doing my own thing. Just do small jobs to past the time for now. I’m not to sure where to go from here. After working 17 years at the same place and thinking that I was never going to leave now seems like I can’t beleave I did it. Here I thought I was making a great decision and to find out that I was not going to make the money as promised.
Wow … what a real bummer. I was really hoping to have made a good decision for once.
I spent time and money to get it to work.
Now I have to look for work agin. At 42 this is not as easy as it sounds. Plus unemployment is lame cause I worked 17 years and only get the last years unemployment.
Come to find out if you don’t use unemployment in one year, then you lose it. Now when you do need it then you only have the previous year and not the number of years worked. Tell me then where does the rest of those years go?
So now I am enjoying the life of sitting at home and being “Mister Mom”. Fun Fun.
Life goes on!

Chow for Now

November 2018
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